感恩节 想外公了

外公去世以后，就好象生命的一部分消失了，再也补不上了。外公给了我对动物和植物的热爱。外公教会了我下象棋。我想你了，外公。

老爸

2015.09.08.
老爸，
今天是培训的第一天，老师讲到人都是戴着面具的。让我想到一件小时候发生过的事，我一直耿耿于怀，但你应该不记得了，有一次你喝多了，应该是你接管经贸学校以后没多久，因为你是当上校长以后才开始喝好多好多酒的，你回到家，要看电视，我正在做作业，觉得电视很烦，就把电视给关了，也许你正好心情也不是很好，上来就打了我一巴掌。我当时没有哭，只是从那以后便记住了唯一一次被打。

再后来就是你和老妈的吵架打架，老妈生病时你的冷漠，你们的争执，让我不明白为什么这么不开心的两个人还要在一起。是因为在一起开心更多吗？本来我觉得我应该是从你那里学到男人在家庭的角色，丈夫，父亲，可是我看到是老妈上班以后下班做饭，你上班以后下班很晚才回到家，而且大部分时候是喝醉了倒头就睡，有时候还会吐的一塌糊涂。可能钱是挣的多了，但我觉得我们一家三个人每个人都带着一个面具，在努力的向别人展示我们的“幸福”。

其实我小时候脾气很倔，别人说什么，我有时候偏反着来，是因为习惯了大家都顺着我吧。

我也不太清楚我想写什么，只想和你说，谢谢老爸小时候牵着我走路，载着我去上学，辛苦挣钱养家，我很怀念那些时光。一个好父亲就是一直会为了家承担责任。


女儿 卓卓

凌乱

今天又凌乱了一下，一个前辈同事说他在28岁的时候像我这样可以自己lead project，说的很羡慕，后来我想我工作一年以后其实已经有自己的项目做，而且是公司里的most efficient designer, 这就是为什么当年conference唯一的一个名额给了我，是我自己贱，在那个时候离开了tdc，同时也miss了这个机会。但现在回想起来，lead project好像没有很exciting，也没有觉得很proud，最开心的时候其实是去工地考察，辛苦了一天以后吃一顿牛排然后倒头就睡，倒觉得那样很充实。还有就好象是在有新问题出来的时候，能够以最快的时间去适应，学到新的技术，这也让我觉得很充实。

小游记

其实这份信是写给我的一个朋友的，写着写着觉得好感动，就把它po上来。似乎这次是带有感情的，之前写文章好像更多的是记事为主。

我从南非安全回来啦，这次旅行非常棒，导游和司机都很专业，懂得很多当地的文化，一路上也很照顾我。这次去南非圆了一个我看狮子王的梦，在namibia 沙漠露营，晚上看着从未见过的满天星和银河感动到差点哭，早上醒来帐篷被大风整整挪了一米多搞得我哭笑不得，顶着大风一步一步爬上了dune，觉得自己好像什么都不用怕了。在Etosha national park和狮子的零距离接触，看大象小象一家人的mud bath，嬉闹成群，感觉他们就像是生活在天堂。在南非看到了happy feet的south African 企鹅，懒洋洋的躺在大西洋海岸晒太阳。回来的路上又去伦敦逛了一圈，和Namibia截然相反，一个实历史悠久的权力之都，一个是远离喧嚣的大自然，各有特色。

照片见 https://www.flickr.com/gp/26386463@N05/ZfWt4X

定了圣诞节回国的机票了，这次买的最便宜，打完折才$990，开心，哈哈。省下来的钱可以去旅游啦，哈哈。

my first full 18-hole course!

did a full 18 hole course for the first time today! so excited and tired. lots of walking but fun. learnt how to use driver, i'm so used to iron 8 since that's the only club i have and i use that for driving range a lot. most of the balls were consistently going to the right. need to turn my wrist more.

overall, it was a good four hr play.

what do i like about myself

i had a 45 mins consultation with Amebe today, she was very patient and a good listener. i actually enjoyed talking to her and i felt like i had so much to talk about. i just want to tell her everything and ask her to offer one simple solution about all the problems i have! haha, so greedy.

she suggested to write down one thing i like about myself or i am proud of myself everyday. by talking to her, i realized i need validation, i'm happy when i see progress. i am comparing myself to other ppl and that's reason i am not happy sometimes. it's better to compare to myself, which i have been doing for a while.

im proud of learning something new today at work,
im proud of getting to know ppl through sports

what's your life goal?

i want to have someone to travel with around the world. but my friend told me if i reply on another person, i will get disappointed.
i want to have a happy family, someone that i will be very comfortable with, whatever i do, he will think it's part of me. whatever i say, he understands that i do not mean to hurt. wow, that must takes lots of communications in the beginning. so the willingness to stay together is very important.

i should think of something that is not dependent on other ppl too much, so i can enjoy it whenever, like cooking, photography, sports, etc. talking to myself is sometimes fun,

smile, the worst is yet to come.

you are beautiful. stay curious, stay foolish.